It’s been weeks. Maybe months. You both know it. Neither of you has brought it up.
Every night follows the same routine. You both get into bed on opposite sides, look at your phones, say goodnight, and fall asleep. The longer this continues, the harder it seems to change things.
You want to reconnect. You’re pretty sure your partner does too. But you don’t know who should make the first move. You worry about rejection. You don’t want to make things weird.
The truth is, restarting intimacy after a dry spell feels awkward for almost everyone. The good news is that this feeling doesn’t last. There’s a simple, step-by-step approach that can make things easier for both of you.
This article will guide you on how to restart intimacy without making things more uncomfortable.
Why Dry Spells Happen
Life gets in the way sometimes. A new baby arrives, and you’re both exhausted. Work stress piles up. Someone gets sick. You’re dealing with grief or anxiety. Medication changes affect your desire.
Everyone faces these situations. A dry spell doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love or that your relationship is failing. It just means you’re human and going through a busy or difficult time.
The real problem isn’t the gap itself. It’s when the gap becomes the new normal because neither of you knows how to break the pattern.
It gets harder because once intimacy stops, starting again feels like a much bigger deal than it actually is. The longer you wait, the harder it feels to break the silence. That’s why it’s easier to keep intimacy going than to restart after a long break.
Why It Feels So Awkward to Restart
There are a few common reasons why the awkwardness builds up.
First, you start overthinking. “What if they’re not interested anymore?” “What if they reject me?” “What if it’s been so long that it feels weird now?”
Second, both of you might be waiting for the other person to make the first move. You end up in a standoff where you both want to reconnect, but neither wants to risk bringing it up.
Third, the longer the gap lasts, the more making a move feels like a big deal instead of a normal part of your relationship.
But the awkwardness actually shows that you care. It means this matters to you. If you didn’t care about your partner or your relationship, you wouldn’t feel nervous about reconnecting.
Feeling uncomfortable is normal, and it won’t last forever. The only way to get past it is to go through it.
The Mental Shift That Makes Restarting Easier
Before you do anything else, try to shift how you think about this.
Don’t wait for the perfect moment because it probably won’t come. There will always be something going on. You might feel tired, busy, or distracted. Waiting for ideal conditions just means waiting forever.
Remember, your partner probably wants this too. They’re likely feeling the same awkwardness and waiting for you to say something. You’re both on the same team.
Try to take some pressure off yourself. You’re not asking for a big performance. You’re inviting connection and rebuilding something important for both of you.
The most important thing to remember is that the first step is the hardest. Once you have the first conversation or make the first move, it gets easier. Most of the challenge is in your mind.
Step 1: Have the Conversation (Even Though It Feels Uncomfortable)
Start by talking about it. This removes the guessing and lets you work on it together, instead of both avoiding the issue.
Why Talking First Matters
When you talk about it before trying to restart physical intimacy, several things happen.
You’ll find out if your partner feels the same distance. You can talk about any underlying issues like stress or resentment. This also takes away the pressure of wondering how they’ll react when you make a move.
Most importantly, you make it something you’re working on together, not just something one person is trying to fix.
What to Actually Say
Keep it simple and honest.
“I miss being close to you. Can we talk about it?”
“I know it’s been a while. I’d like us to reconnect, but I’m not sure where to start.”
“I feel awkward bringing this up, but I think we should.”
Don’t blame each other or keep track of who made the last move. Focus on what you want, which is connection, instead of what’s been missing.
What to Listen For
Pay attention to how your partner responds.
Are they relieved you brought it up? Are there specific reasons for the distance, like work stress or a health issue? Do they want to reconnect, too, or is something else going on that needs to be addressed first?
If there’s unresolved conflict or resentment, you might need to work through that before physical intimacy feels safe for either of you.
Step 2: Rebuild Daily Physical Connection First
Don’t rush into sex. Your bodies need time to get comfortable together again first.
Start with non-sexual physical affection. Give longer hugs. Hold hands while watching TV. Sit close on the couch instead of on opposite ends. Put your hand on their shoulder or back when you pass in the kitchen.
This helps you both get comfortable with touch again. It takes the pressure off and reminds you that being close doesn’t always have to lead to more. Give this step several days to a week, and let touch feel normal again before moving forward.
Step 3: Create Low-Pressure Opportunities
Once daily touch feels natural, create opportunities for intimacy to happen without making it the main goal.
Set Aside Time Without Expectation
Set aside time together. This could be a date night, staying up after the kids go to sleep, or having morning coffee in bed. The goal isn’t to have sex during this time, but to create space where you can reconnect emotionally and physically without distractions. If intimacy happens, that’s great. If not, you still shared quality time.
Increase Emotional Intimacy
Talk about something that matters. Share appreciation for something your partner did. Ask about what’s been on their mind lately.
Emotional closeness makes physical closeness feel safer. When you feel connected through conversation, your body relaxes and becomes more open to physical connection.
Pay Attention to Positive Signals
Notice when your partner responds well to touch. Look for signs they’re feeling open, like leaning in when you sit close, making eye contact, or touching you back.
You’re not looking for a reason to rush things. You’re just watching for signs that you’re both moving in the same direction.
Step 4: Make the First Move (Gently and Clearly)
At some point, someone has to take the first step. Since you’re reading this, it will probably be you.
Start Small and Be Clear
You don’t have to go from nothing to full sex in one night. Begin with clear, gentle invitations.
“I’d really like to be close to you tonight. Would you like that too?”
“Can we go to bed early together?”
You can also use physical cues, such as a kiss that lasts a little longer or a touch that shows you’re interested.
The key is to be clear about what you want, so your partner doesn’t have to guess.
The first time might feel awkward or a little out of practice, and that’s completely normal. You’re breaking a pattern that’s been there for weeks or months.
What matters is that you’re reconnecting, not that everything feels perfect right away.
If Your Partner Says Not Tonight
Don’t take it personally. Your partner might just be tired, stressed, or not ready yet.
Ask if another night this week would be better. Appreciate their honesty and try again in a day or two.
One “not tonight” doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t want to reconnect. It just means the timing wasn’t right.
Step 5: Build Momentum (Don’t Let Another Long Gap Develop)
This is the hardest part. Now it’s about keeping the momentum going and letting spontaneous desire show up on its own. For most people in long-term relationships, desire often comes after you start connecting, not before.
Pay attention to what feels natural for you as a couple. For some, once a week is right. For others, it’s twice a week or every few days. There’s no single right answer. What matters is not letting the gaps get too long compared to your usual pattern. Keep up daily physical affection and check in with each other about how you’re both feeling.
If you notice you’re drifting apart again, talk about it sooner rather than later.
Common Mistakes That Make Restarting Harder
Some habits can make this process harder than it needs to be.
Waiting for the other person to bring it up first creates a standoff where both of you want to reconnect, but neither makes the first move.
Trying to make up for lost time by having sex several times in a week, if that’s not your usual pattern, can create pressure and unrealistic expectations.
Ignoring underlying resentments or relationship issues means the physical distance is a sign of something deeper that needs attention.
Jumping straight to sex without rebuilding comfort and daily touch can make the first attempt feel stressful and awkward.
If you give up after one awkward conversation or one “not tonight,” you stop before you’ve really broken the pattern.
When You Might Need Outside Help
Sometimes the issue isn’t just awkwardness. Sometimes there’s something deeper going on.
If there’s ongoing conflict or built-up resentment between you, couples therapy can help you work through that before physical intimacy feels safe.
If one partner genuinely doesn’t want to reconnect, that’s a conversation that might need professional support to navigate.
If there are medical issues affecting desire, like medication side effects or hormonal changes, talking to a doctor makes sense.
If you’ve tried multiple times and keep hitting the same wall, a therapist who specializes in relationships can help you figure out what’s getting in the way.
Asking for help isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a way for both of you to solve problems together.
Moving Forward
Restarting intimacy after a dry spell isn’t about perfect technique. It’s about honest communication and taking small steps to rebuild.
The awkwardness you feel is only temporary. Avoiding the conversation just makes the gap bigger and the awkwardness worse.
Start with one step. Have the conversation, rebuild daily touch, schedule time together, and make a gentle first move. You don’t have to do everything at once.
The gap doesn’t define your relationship. What matters is what you do next. Every couple goes through periods of distance. The ones who stay connected notice when they’re drifting and push through the discomfort to reconnect.
The first step is always the hardest. After that, it gets easier.
